Hello Great American Public. I would like to introduce you to my wife of 25 years, on whom I’ve cheated for at least 17 of those years. Or is that 18? Well, no matter. The point is, that she never knew. And I didn’t cheat on her with anyone worth while. I didn’t have sex with one woman that I could have loved. All of them were nameless prostitutes.
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Amazing figures with fantastic faces, a sense of style that’s out of this world, legs that never end and all of them had bazongas out to . . . look . . . here [puts hands about a foot in front of his chest]. But no names. And no love. Honestly, I didn’t even sleep with them. We “took care of business,” and then just shook hands and said goodbye. Â
So maybe cheating isn’t exactly the right term. You have to love the other person for extramarital sex to be technically considered cheating, you know.
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Well, anyway. As I was saying, here’s my lovely wife. I’m sorry for almost cheating on you, sweetheart. You forgive me, don’t you. Now, there, shake your head up and down. Show the Great American Public we’re not afraid of their scrutiny, because we haven’t really done anything wrong. Â
Sure, Susan could have worn sexier clothes in public – and private. She could have left the children in the care of their nanny more often and helped me take my mind off of work in that special way that only real women can. Like women who get paid do. Sure, Susan could have used her mouth a little more creatively (you know what I mean).
But, what can I tell you, she’s my wife. I love her, and I’m sorry I didn’t act according to my standards. Say hello to the camera, honey, all of America is watching this apology. Â
Smile! There you are. Good girl! Â