No more kitchen knives for smart phone users – now, there’s an app for that! iPhone and Android users can download the Laser Beam app and slice or dice tomatoes and just about any other vegetable with it.
You will need a special cutting board that the laser can’t penetrate. Otherwise, you’ll end up with bits of plastic or wood fused to your veggies and fruits – and they’re no good for your teeth. The board will be expensive but in deference to national security rules, vendors cannot yet tell you how much it will cost.
Courts have already ruled that to get into government buildings, smart phone users must now prove they DO NOT have this app installed. Can’t prove it but need to get in to a court appointment or something? No problem: you can always relinquish your phone. Unfortunately, you can’t get it back.
Smart phone users within laser beam reach of any aircraft that experiences flight difficulties will be arrested, and will remain indefinitely detained while their NSA phone records, EZPass toll history and cellphone use for the preceding 90 days is exhaustively investigated.